How I learned to LOVE being a mom (and you can, too!)

There was a moment this weekend when I turned around and saw my kids all hugging each other (congratulating one of my daughters on a terrific performance in her school play). It started as a tender moment between my twin teen girls, then their older brother saw the opportunity to jump in and squish them together, which made them shriek and giggle, attracting the ready attention of our 5-year old who pushed and wiggled her way between the already-squished girls, pronouncing her usual "I'm squeeeeezin' in!" Big brother squeezed harder, baby sister waggled and bumped into the older girls, and everyone laughed. In that moment (between laughs and snapping a photo to freeze them in time), I thought about how I genuinely loved being a mom. And it reminded me of a time when -- painful as it was to admit -- I couldn't say that. I feel inspired to share my story, in hopes of sharing a perspective I desperately needed at the time.

When my oldest kids were little (3 under 5, including a set of twin toddlers), I found myself in a major funk. From the moment I woke up, someone constantly needed something. Bottles. Diapers. Laundry. Cleaning spills AGAIN. Kissing bumped heads, shoulders, knees, and toes.... and that was just before breakfast!

It took pretty much everything I had just to get through the day. I had chosen to work from home so I could be with them full-time, and I questioned whether that was actually the best choice if they weren't even getting the "me" they deserved. None of us were.

One winter morning, we woke up to a beautiful blanket of pure white snow on the ground, with huge snowflakes still falling from the sky. It looked magical. As I sat and watched the feathery flakes, caught in the stillness of the moment, my husband asked, "Are you going to take the kids out to play in the snow today??"

<record screech>

The innocent, well-intentioned question snapped me out of the snow globe bliss and back into reality. How dare he ask a question like that when he knew I had client projects on my to do list that day, and how much work it was to bundle 3 little kids up in snow gear just to come back inside 20 minutes later! The nerve. I was annoyed and offended. 

Then I felt it. 

As I looked at the snow-frosted branches of the trees outside, the wake up call came.

I realized I really didn't like being a mom. 

Before I go further, I'll be clear that I did love my children deeply. It was me as a mom that I just was not enjoying, I was constantly falling short, there was always more to be done, I felt completely incompetent, and I was totally drained most of the time. There had to be a better way. I didn't want to feel this way anymore.

So as the snow fell, I made a choice. Even though I felt far from it in the moment, I wanted to love being a mom. 

I thought about how I came to get other things in my life that I wanted. I realized the common threads through every instance were commitment and practice. I figured those were both things I could do, so I set out to learn how to love being a mom. 

But how? 

I felt the Spirit guide me to start with my "to do" list. There wasn't really anything I could remove from it, but there was one thing I felt inspired to add to my daily rounds: Love being a mom. With a literal checkbox next to it.

It felt strange and kind of sad to have to write it down, but I released that judgement and decided to try. And it didn't take long at all before I learned that I actually wasn't that far off after all.

The first day, I heard my kids laughing together in the other room while I made them lunch. In that moment, I genuinely loved being a mom. Check. 

The next day, I was walking hand-in hand with my son and looked down and saw his little hand in mine. It was beautiful. I loved being a mom in that moment. Checked off again.

I realized that loving being a mom didn't have to be a constant flow of glittery magic through my heart all the time. It could happen in those little moments, those little sparks throughout the day. And the more I noticed, the more I recognized just how many of those moments were available to me.

Today, motherhood hasn't gotten any easier (definitely heavier and more complex as kids are moving through the teen years). But my gosh, do I love being a mom. Because it actually has nothing to do with cooking, cleaning, laundry, or setting doctor appointments. Motherhood is all about connection and growing together as we enjoy those tiny moments.